Where were you on Friday the 13th, 1981?

I was at the movies making out with a boy with whom I'd just met. His name was Tom Miller and I was instantly smitten. My best friend Karen introduced us. One month later we were "going together" and 6 months later I found myself pregnant.

Long story short, I had a baby, Tom went to college. He saw our son twice. Once when he was 2 weeks old and once when he was 11 months old. After that, POOF! Gone like the wind.

4 years later we managed to find him and have him served with papers to terminate his parental rights as my then new husband was adopting Chris and giving him his last name. By not contesting the adoption, he gave his permission and went on about his life.

End of story.

Until now.

Chris, who is now almost 27, has been wanting to find his father and has made a few attempts via the internet. I have been doing the same, never really thinking that I'd get anywhere. Well, two days ago I found him.

Wow.

The thoughts, feelings, emotions that I thought were over and done with came flooding back. Not feelings for him, mind you, just feelings about the whole situation and how one boy's careless decision altered my life for ever. I am trying very hard to not make this about me, but it's hard not to.

He was able to graduate with his class. He went on to college. I raised a child. He persued his dream while I was at home having dreams of being back in school, always with a class schedule in my hand, always trying to find my way...I never could. I'd wake up and feel like I was cheated. No idea where high school friends were. No class reunion to go to. I got my GED. My diploma came in a mail box. No hand shake. No pictures. No family cheering me on. No party. No memories.

I worked for $4.15/hr and used it to pay for health insurance so I didn't have to stay on welfare. My dreams went up in smoke. I was a single mother. A poor single mother. I took handouts from people at church. My son wore hand-me-downs instead of new clothes. I was both mother and father. It was hard. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I grew up. I moved on. I got over it.

Bitter? I didn't think I was. That was a lifetime ago. Those thoughts were so far in the past it almost seemed as if they never happened. Then I saw a picture of this man with a woman and a child at a baseball game and it was like a switch turned on inside of me. The only thing I could think was "That should have been MY son." Wow, where did THAT come from? I guess you never know what lies beneath the surface.

Now what? What do I do with all this "stuff"?

We have begun to communicate. If you call it that. He said he's been hoping for this day. He asked for a picture of Chris. He wants to connect with him. I made the mistake of expecting it to happen fast, I guess. But I find myself waiting by the computer...waiting, waiting, waiting. More waiting. 27 years of waiting. What's one more day?

It doesn't help that I've been very sick for three days and haven't been able to do anything but lie in bed and think. So I send another email. I "insult" him. Shit. I apologized.

Did you hear that?? I'M APOLOGIZING. I'll suck it up for now. I'll do it for Chris. But one day it's gonna hit the fan. I can smell it coming.