Kevin James Mattatall, age 43

Kevin passed away today. My heart is so sad. I will miss him and think of him often. I pray that God gives his family strength and peace in the days and weeks to come.

It's never easy letting someone go. You want them here with you. Your heart feels like it's been ripped in two.

This life is like a blink of the eye compared to the eternity we will spend on the other side. Those who trust and believe will see Kevin again, of that I am sure!

Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father, but by me. In my Father's house are many mansions. If it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself. For where I am, there you may be also."

I believe Kevin is in the place God has prepared for him. We will see him again!

Rest in Peace, Kevin.

To my friend, Kevin...

My friend Kevin, who I met online almost 12 years ago, is fighting for his life in a hospital in Canada. After several battles with cancer, the cancer has finally taken over and he isn't expected to live but a few days. I spent the first few days crying, every time I thought of him, and now I'm left with the memories of our chats and his blog posts. I never met Kevin in person, nevertheless, he's still my friend. I've laughed with him, joked with him, and I've been angry at him. I understand that those who are his family and friends who know him personally, know him best. The things I say here today are from my experiences with the Kevin I know, the Kevin he chose to show me.

Our converstaions usually started with catching up on each others family. He'd always ask about my children. He'd always comment about our ages and how things are getting crazier in this world. The conversation usually gravitated toward God. I felt like Kevin was searching for something, even though he swore he had it all figured out and didn't need any God in his life. Even though he sometimes said he didn't believe, I knew that deep down he did, and he would sometimes slip in a "Marsha, I really do believe" now and again. It made me feel good when he said that he had been going to church, in one of his blog posts.

I believe that when Kevin passes from this life to the next, he will be in the presence of our Lord. (And then he'll realize that I was right and have a good "larf". lol) He will be greeted by those that went before him, especially his dad.

Kevin is different from alot of people I know. He is a little on the "odd" side. Somtimes I had trouble following his train of thought and had to ask questions to figure him out, lol. He is a smart, crazy, complicated, frustrating at times, nut! lol. He cares tremendously about his family, especially his young nephew, Julian. He loves that boy like he was his own. I hope and pray that Julian holds tight to the memories of his silly uncle. I wish I had more than these memories to add to the memory book the family is putting together for Julian.

I will miss Kevin alot and wish like hell I could be there by his side to say goodbye. My heart is breaking for him and for his family that will be left to go on without him.

Kevin, This life is short compared to what's to come. I will see you face to face one day and I will hug you and thank you for being my friend. I hope there's a bicycle waiting for you and a pair of sunglasses. I'm sure we'll find you one day hanging out with your dad and making jokes that no one else gets, lol.

To Kevin's family, I hope and pray that God gives you the strength and peace you will need for the days ahead. This life is but a vapor on the wind, compared to the eternity we will have once we pass on. This is not the end...it's only the beginning....


This poem was in Thursday's paper. My son's 16 year old friend was killed in a car accident and this poem was read at his memorial by his mother.

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an Angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand.

He said my place is ready, in heaven far above,
and that I have to leave behind, All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I realized, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldy things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today for life on earth is past, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day is the same day, there's no longing for the past.

Because you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true,
Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do,
You have been forgiven and now at last you're free,
So won't you take my hand, and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right there in your heart.

jeesh...

I miss internet access at home!

This country crap is annoying.

Kevin!

Hi..glad to hear you're still around. I'm typing this on my mother's computer. I can access the log in page from my phone.

Write me at Marsha6814@yahoo.com.

Take care,

M.

Alive and Well and STILL w/o internet access at home...

I'm sitting at my mothers house, which smells like a cat, trying to hurry so the smell doesn't take up permanent residence in my nose. I also have a car full of groceries.

I realized the other day that I've not posted here in ages...so...here's a quick recap:

Amanda just got her Real Estate License.

Greg had prostate Surgery on 6/9 and is on the mend.

Thomas had his tonsils removed 4 wks ago today and is strep free!

I got strep throat right before that and lost 10lbs from not being able to eat...AND have managed to keep it off! weeeee!

Shawn has his surgery tomorrow. His "growth" under his chin is now 2 centimeters wide and needs to come out. I'm worried about this one.

I have been having dental (gum) issues for three days and got news today that it possibly is related to diabetes. I have to have labs drawn next week. GREAT.

I was promoted again (did I say that already?) in February and am STILL learning my job duties. It's been rough.

Thomas is going to be baptized soon. He "accepted Christ into his life" as we baptists say, yesterday at vacation bible school. To Aunt D....I'll keep you posted on that date.

Chris is struggling...but found a part time job. Now if he could get his car repaired...

I saw my grandson, Jacob, last week and he's as cute as ever!

I have been thinking about Kevin lately....K, are you out there?

I dont have internet access at home (and prob. never will) because my choices are wireless 3G (I'm clueless about that) or Hughes Net which i hears sucks. I even tried DIAL UP but it wouldn't stay connected! I give up.

That's about it...

toodles.

Indescribable...Chris Tomlin

Where were you on Friday the 13th, 1981?

I was at the movies making out with a boy with whom I'd just met. His name was Tom Miller and I was instantly smitten. My best friend Karen introduced us. One month later we were "going together" and 6 months later I found myself pregnant.

Long story short, I had a baby, Tom went to college. He saw our son twice. Once when he was 2 weeks old and once when he was 11 months old. After that, POOF! Gone like the wind.

4 years later we managed to find him and have him served with papers to terminate his parental rights as my then new husband was adopting Chris and giving him his last name. By not contesting the adoption, he gave his permission and went on about his life.

End of story.

Until now.

Chris, who is now almost 27, has been wanting to find his father and has made a few attempts via the internet. I have been doing the same, never really thinking that I'd get anywhere. Well, two days ago I found him.

Wow.

The thoughts, feelings, emotions that I thought were over and done with came flooding back. Not feelings for him, mind you, just feelings about the whole situation and how one boy's careless decision altered my life for ever. I am trying very hard to not make this about me, but it's hard not to.

He was able to graduate with his class. He went on to college. I raised a child. He persued his dream while I was at home having dreams of being back in school, always with a class schedule in my hand, always trying to find my way...I never could. I'd wake up and feel like I was cheated. No idea where high school friends were. No class reunion to go to. I got my GED. My diploma came in a mail box. No hand shake. No pictures. No family cheering me on. No party. No memories.

I worked for $4.15/hr and used it to pay for health insurance so I didn't have to stay on welfare. My dreams went up in smoke. I was a single mother. A poor single mother. I took handouts from people at church. My son wore hand-me-downs instead of new clothes. I was both mother and father. It was hard. But what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I grew up. I moved on. I got over it.

Bitter? I didn't think I was. That was a lifetime ago. Those thoughts were so far in the past it almost seemed as if they never happened. Then I saw a picture of this man with a woman and a child at a baseball game and it was like a switch turned on inside of me. The only thing I could think was "That should have been MY son." Wow, where did THAT come from? I guess you never know what sleeping giants are hiding deep inside waiting to be unleashed.

Now what? What do I do with all this "stuff"?

We have begun to communicate. If you call it that. He said he's been hoping for this day. He asked for a picture of Chris. He wants to connect with him. I made the mistake of expecting it to happen fast, I guess. But I find myself waiting by the computer...waiting, waiting, waiting. More waiting. 27 years of waiting. What's one more day?

It doesn't help that I've been very sick for three days and haven't been able to do anything but lie in bed and think. So I send another email. I "insult" him. Shit. I apologized.

Did you hear that?? I'M APOLOGIZING. I'll suck it up for now. I'll do it for Chris. But one day it's gonna hit the fan. I can smell it coming.